a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
