the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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