hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
