just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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