Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
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