Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
