Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
