We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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