Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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