I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Sorry my hands just texted you
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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