Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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