I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
