I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
