Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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