Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
