If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
