I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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