i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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