you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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