you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
