OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
