I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
