I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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