my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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