Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
