Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize