is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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