Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
