If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize