Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
