i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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