where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize