upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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