PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
He shit in the fireplace
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
