awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
