Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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