thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
