It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
sarcasm needs its own font
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
