WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
FUCK WHALES
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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