Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
40s are totally the cure
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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