you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
