I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
