yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
