My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
