Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
