8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Randomize
