Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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