actually, I'm a sock model
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
