So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
