I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
