I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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