Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
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