I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
