can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
