i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
