I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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