There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
