i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
