My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
