I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
