Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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