yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
