Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
