Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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