I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
We talked him into tasing himself.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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