Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
