You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
