he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize