Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
