Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
