you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
