I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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